What is Car Heaven?

"Tim (Fractal Footwork)" (fractalfootwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:30 • Filed to: Junkyard in the Sky, Car Heaven, Car Hell, OppositeLock

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The Biblical representation of Heaven and Hell is so strewn about by different writers, we have next to no real idea of what we are supposed to envy and fear. Car Heaven, on the other hand, is far more abstract, and no definition is better than our own.

Many will tell you that inanimate objects have no capability of having a soul, but we all know better. I'm certain that you can recall a car story that involves love, hate, frustration, anger, humility, and faith. Your car has a soul, and no priest can tell you different!

So I will pose the unanswerable question: Where does you car's soul go, after she reaches the junkyard or other form of symbolic burial?

What is this 'Junkyard in the Sky' that we so often hear about; What is Car Heaven like?

[Hat-tip to !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ]

The man in the iron mask > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:35

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simple...car heaven

car hell

getchapopcorn > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:35

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Every piece of electronics is working right when I want them to in my Alfa.

Ratchet when he's all hopped up on synthetic energon > The man in the iron mask 09/24/2013 at 12:36

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I disagree. I can't see car heaven being a place where they sit around doing nothing. Cars are meant to be driven.

HenryF > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:37

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Mercedes S-Class Video shot here? where is that road

505Turbeaux > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:38

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my version

Heaven - find my body in the trunk:

Hell - find me driving:

Count Tofu > getchapopcorn 09/24/2013 at 12:38

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Which is an impossible thing so your Alfa is in car hell..?

2 Wheels awesome! > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:39

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http://www.jaylenosgarage.com/

MAXIMUMVRM > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:39

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I teared up when i first saw this episode.

Chairman Kaga > getchapopcorn 09/24/2013 at 12:39

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In the name of the Great Serpent, amen.

mcseanerson > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:40

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Car Heaven

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HammerheadFistpunch > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:41

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my car is my friend, but a soul it has not. When its time to let go and move on, its sad because of memories attached, not because of the intrinsic value of the thing. That being said, Land cruiser heaven is an endless expedition around an infinite world where you are occasionally asked to rescue land rovers and jeeps who have been bad.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:41

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Your check engine lights are off, unlimited full synthetic when ever you feel like it, 93+ octane to drink, and endless roads made of the finest of Rich Corinthian Leather.

Ratchet when he's all hopped up on synthetic energon > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:41

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Car heaven is an unending tank of gas, and a road that's perfectly matched to their particular personality. Caddies go that Route 66 in the sky. AE86s find them selves on an infinite touge. Muscle cars are down on a Vegas strip with no cops or cross traffic, just getting to do WOT blasts from stoplight to stoplight.

They also find themselves built how they should have been in the first place. All the bean-counter compromises melt away, and the car that could have been is what's left.

DasWolf13 > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:42

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A Viking heaven.

Seitz > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:43

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Cars don't have a car heaven, only a car hell.

Cars can, in theory, last forever. If you have enough money, nothing can stop your car from being mobile. If the engine blows up, you can install a new one, if they don't make that engine anymore, you can install a different one, when gasoline runs out, you can put Hydrogen/Electric/Whatever engines into it. If the body rusts out, you can fix it, if the frame cracks, you can repair it.

It's only when someone chooses not to fix the car, and then lets it rot in a junkyard (Purgatory) or crushes it (Hell) that it indeed dies.

Car heaven is then, when the car is operable, doing its job for the greater good of the world. What heros', those cars are.

Jay_Hoff > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:44

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For me, this is heaven.

My hell would be this...

Seitz > MAXIMUMVRM 09/24/2013 at 12:44

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what's it from?

The man in the iron mask > Ratchet when he's all hopped up on synthetic energon 09/24/2013 at 12:44

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thats jay lenos garage, he takes them for a drive and shares them with all of us in his videos

hakosuka > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:45

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To a land where Monterey Historics weekend lasts forever, and Cobras abound like Camry's in the parking lot for a 2.238 mile commute around Heaven's beltway.

reverberocket is nipping the apex..and gently blowing in it's ear. > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:45

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Olde, muddy, pre-internet Hershey.

...but they've paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

UncleWalty > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:46

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Ze Audi Museum

DasWauto > Seitz 09/24/2013 at 12:49

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TGUK maxing the Veyron.

Seitz > DasWauto 09/24/2013 at 12:51

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Oh, right.

Pcleez > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:55

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This is car heaven.. F50s doing a truck pull, XJ220 firey burnouts, a phantom drifting through a field.. yes please.

Highball! > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:57

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I've wondered/theorized its like the "rainbow bridge" for dogs and pets. Your car is brought to a lot and rejoins all your past cars. As soon as it enters the lot, nannies like TPMS and traction control disappear, key scratches from jealous exes disappear, turbos boost all day long, and the air has the scent of a perfect stoichiometric ratio.

stevethecurse > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 12:59

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Car heaven would be all the greatest, most famous roads in the world, all connected to one another, your choice of any car ever, and no traffic.

The Parts Guy > MAXIMUMVRM 09/24/2013 at 13:03

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That was a beautiful moment.

The Parts Guy > DasWolf13 09/24/2013 at 13:04

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:'( Poor E36

getchapopcorn > getchapopcorn 09/24/2013 at 13:04

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To a lesser extent — those times which are right in the middle of my last/next scheduled maintenance on my F355.

The Parts Guy > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:05

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transfagarasan highway?

The Parts Guy > HenryF 09/24/2013 at 13:06

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I think it's the transfagarasan highway

The Parts Guy > HenryF 09/24/2013 at 13:09

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Transfgran Highway

Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:10

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Since I'm going to will my car to my firstborn, his soul will remain under his long roof and bescooped hood.

But should he ever be killed, his soul will be transferred to his shift knob, which will go into my next car, and the two will meld.

Jay_Hoff > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/24/2013 at 13:10

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TheCrudMan > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:11

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I thought it was LeMons?

Z_Stig > hakosuka 09/24/2013 at 13:13

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The Corkscrew, the holiest place known to all mankind, the most holies of holy.

iNvDrZiM > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:16

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I'd imagine car heaven would be place where all cars line up and create a beautiful medley of music with their engine/exhaust notes.

Followed by a fill-up with the purist fuel ever conceived. And a drive around well maintained, car-matched roads.

I'd guess sports cars would love some technical twists. Cruisers and low-riders some smooth and flat pavement. And off-road machines fun gravel roads and muddy terrain. The Camry and Corolla could be found happily perusing an endless parking lot.

Hell would look something like this:

Right alongside said car-matched roads.

ThumpedBumpedStumped > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:23

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Car Hell is anywhere UAW built cars reside. lol

meccapanzer > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:27

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West Virginia

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thatmacfast > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:29

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In April of this year I bought a 2005 Toyota Solara because I wanted a convertible and it was the most reliable one I found for $13,500. Not super fast, flashy, or particularly fun to drive from a performance standpoint, but still a great car. In August My girlfriend and I drove from Seattle to Pebble Beach. We couldn’t take the ocean the entire trip due to time constraints. But the various parts of the 101/1/PCH we did hit, top down, sun shining; smelling the ocean, and the redwoods, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face, and cool breezes off the pacific, well, it was magnificent. Car Heaven must be like that, where the sun crosses the sky only to rise again without darkness, on to infinity. I can’t wait to return. Hopefully in something with more motor, but if not, the Solara is fine by me. Because car Heaven is for all of us Jalops, not just Pagani drivers (but they can come too, I love those things).

multiple wheels for each day of the week > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:35

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Stevali Pass (SP)

J-Tenno > Jay_Hoff 09/24/2013 at 13:35

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Your hell picture is just the way to the hell, like crossing Styx. Now try to find a free parking space there... That's hell.

mcflipper > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:36

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Maine. And I base that on the opening stanzas to Philip Booth's poem of the same name.

When old cars get retired, they go to Maine

Thick as crows in backlots off the blacktops

East of Brunswick, down the washboard

from Penobscot to Castine,

They graze behind framed batons, a Ford

turned tractor, Hudsons chopped to half-ton

trucks, and Chevy panels, jack-up,

tireless, geared to saw a cord of wood.

Those lines summon a mental image that I find comforting in a distinctly spiritual way. That's the definition of car heaven that I adhere to.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:40

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If there is a car heaven, then surely these are the Pearly Gates:

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And this is the Nirvana that awaits you through the light at the end of the tunnel:

Jay_Hoff > The man in the iron mask 09/24/2013 at 13:45

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Car Hell...

Dubblewhopper > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:50

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Being able to masterfully drive a 1958 Ferrari 250 GT with Juan Manuel Fangio. Then drive home, smoke a joint with John Lennon and cruise in his first Ferrari, and or Hippy Dippy Rolls Royce. That is heaven....

bobrayner > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:55

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Nürburgring.

Bvnni > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 13:56

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I'd like to take a moment to add in that I 100% believe in car purgatory. And not just because I'm Catholic. To me, car purgatory is the frustrating and depressing state of being left in a barn or a driveway. Years of being ignored and neglected, unsure about its own future. Will someone come along and see my value in a restoration or will I be left to be taken back by the elements?

Heaven? Being part of something greater. See what I did there? The ultimate compliment to a car in that situation is making it a parts donor. Taking its best bits to prolong or create life in another. Becoming one with the other components. Reincarnation . And not, that isn't a Virus (film) reference.

Hell? I won't say the crusher and I won't say being melt down. Everything that has served its purpose to the best of its ability should get its own viking funeral. What is hell for cars? Being destroyed for the sake of being destroyed. Cash for Clunkers. Idiots who scrap their cars because they're too lazy to list and sell it. Drunk drivers. Stupid celebrity youth. Being maimed, scarred, and ostracized from future buyers and loving homes. Redlined on oil that hasn't been changed in 12,000 miles. Aluminium powerplants and poorly maintained cooling systems. And where does these poor souls go? They haunt those drivers. In rattles, electrical gremlins, flat tires, and undiagnosable fuel system problems.

/rant

Carbyne > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:00

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This is what I think of every time I see or hear of a car "dying"

Those last couple seconds make me cry. Bye bye little Aston, we'll miss you.

DasWolf13 > The Parts Guy 09/24/2013 at 14:04

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A ferrari and lambo would been expected

JayHova > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:10

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Car heaven? That has to be the Goodwood Festival of Speed.

PRBot II > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:14

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To me, Car Heaven is one part DB9 Volante:

And two parts Anna Kendrick :)

Jack L. > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:17

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This is supercars heaven.

GreenN_Gold > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:34

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Having keys to everything.

RiseVbove > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:39

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Simple as that. Ain't important where, I will happily go on a long Ride in it

RiseVbove > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:40

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Simple as that. Ain't important where, I will happily go on a long Ride in it, to get to a beautiful Place.

ccc40821 > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:43

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Organic speed bumps made of people on your list.

biturboism, the cult > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:46

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Simple: This. In a 2.7 Carrera RS.

Jonathan Harper > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 14:47

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Dead cars go to the Nurburgring to happily lap as fast or slow as they desire; with no records kept or timing, everyone is a winner.

NaturallyAspiratedV12 > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 15:17

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900turbo > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 15:23

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The 'ring with a gas station pumping free synthetic oil & 93 octane gas with Enzo Ferarri, Ferry Porsche and Colin Chapman as mechanics on staff.
Pretty sure all Camarys are Lambos, bro...
And EVERYTHING buffs right out!

burdickjp > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 15:24

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My heaven would be an infinity of mountain roads in all directions, a small route 66 style one lift workshop with one streetlamp outside. It is perpetually nautical dusk, and ever so slightly drizzling, just enough to hear and smell it, but not enough to make me not want to walk outside.

working on a car with the door open and having it start to rain has always been one of my happy places.

Tim (Fractal Footwork) > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 09/24/2013 at 15:26

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If I could declare a winner...

Corey CC97, MAZDA DPI IS STILL BAE JOESTACTIV JOESTACTIV JOESTACTIV JOESTACTIV VISIT FLORIDA RACING LIVES FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 15:26

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Me, an 037, and an endless amount of rally stages.

tobythesandwich > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 16:09

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Car heaven is a website I can go to enjoy car news and articles without having to deal with you assholes.

Reborn Pyrrhic > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 16:23

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You, the road, and the machine: Go as fast or as slow as you want; take the long scenic way or drive fast on a highway, stop when you want to or not at all, drive all day, listen to music, open the windows when it's cold out, do whatever.

I loooove solo road trips. I've crossed the US by myself three times, and Alaska to Alabama alone once. Also drove Brazil east to west alone. That's car heaven for me.

That's me and my Saab near Kluane Lake, Yukon, Canada:

Xelmon > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 16:49

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Car heaven...

There is no more rust. It all flakes off, disappears into the ground, and bare metal is left.

If the car does feel naked, any paint job will be perfect.

Even the deadest of engines regain full power, and run like a song.

Electronic system work flawlessly.

Suspension and bushing regain their zest and work like they are new.

The gas tank is always full.

And the cars enjoy total usage, and then some... Dirt roads, high deserts, forest deeps, or just airfield grade asphalt - or concrete - to where ever the roads may lead.
Do understand though, the cars are driven with passion, so the car will be pushing its limits, yet staying in bounds.

That is car heaven.

Cheesewhiz > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 17:21

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A commenter here once said, "every time a bell rings, a Miata gets its roll cage." So true. When its life on the street is used up, its interior unpresentable, its body unworthy of Maaco, good — really good cars — cars go to the track.

maximum_sarge > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 19:18

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Car Heaven is where the cars are Italian, the mechanics are German, the roads are German, and the drivers are German. And the food is French, and the British are the race commentators.

Tim (Fractal Footwork) > maximum_sarge 09/24/2013 at 20:08

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The roads aren't Italian?

Redskyinmorning > J-Tenno 09/24/2013 at 20:44

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All you need is one of these.

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 22:34

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A combination of Vast, long, open Autobahns, many tight, beautifully paved, 1 way mountain roads, and smooth gravel stretches of rally-like stages for the Evo's and STi's to play in.
these cars would be stock, looking like they just left the factory, with a bit of dirt from the driving on the rally stage. They could also be modded tastefully, to go fast, and look even better

rschreck > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/24/2013 at 22:35

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My heaven would be like a real life gta but with no cops and unlimited gas.

My Hell would be a world filled with beige civics and camrys

deeporange68 > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/25/2013 at 04:05

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Car heaven: They start like an old Dodge, accelerate like a Cobra, sound like a Jag V-12, handle like a BMW M3 and are a hell of a lot more reliable than an Alfa.

John Coctostan > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/25/2013 at 05:58

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John Coctostan > John Coctostan 09/25/2013 at 05:59

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I give you the 'Imperial Force' of automotive bliss.

John Coctostan > Jay_Hoff 09/25/2013 at 06:07

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Atlanta traffic!

Nick Caruso > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 09/25/2013 at 15:01

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Ironically enough my heaven involves green hell and this car